When Money is No Object

Today is the birthday of B's physiotherapist so I went to Karstadt to find her a birthday gift to present her with on Monday. I like this lady a lot but I never know what to buy her. This time I opted for a nice bottle of French red wine. I know she and her husband like red wine and I chose the bottle based on the fact that it was from France and that it cost 15€. France is known for their red wines! 15€ sounds like enough for it to not be incredibly cheap crap! Obviously I don't know shit about wine if those were the two factors in my decision making. I just hope it doesn't taste like red battery acid.

I also bought a Christmas gift to give to B's dermatologist. He'll make his final visit for the year next week and so I have to give him his gift at that time (the man comes to our home on his own time to check on B's skin and he's never charged us or the insurance company a cent). Now I know exactly what to buy Dr. N - booze. Over the years I've bought him very fine scotches, whiskeys, and cognacs and you know what? I have no idea if the man even drinks. However, he and his wife do a lot of entertaining so I'm sure someone's drinking that Glenlivet and Rémy Martin we've presented him over the years. This year for his gift I chose a bottle of champagne - Veuve Clicquot. Know how I chose that brand? I once saw the name in a book and remembered it.

Anyway, getting to the real part of this story and not just this side tale of how I don't know my ass from my elbow when it comes to buying hooch (I think my drinking a bizarre concoction of goodness-knows-what while I was in Memphis proves that as well) I thought about the demise of my beloved American foods section (beloved only now that it was gone - oh, sweet American foods section, we hardly knew ye!) and wondered if they had merely taken those items formerly sold in that section and merely mixed them in with the other grocery items. You know, popcorn in the snack foods section, pickle relish in the pickle section, the Hellmann's mixed in with the swill other fine brands of mayonnaise for sale. When I had been in there previously I didn't have time to look around very much except to get the specific item I was there to purchase but this time I had more opportunity to poke around to see what I could find.

And there it was and pretty much in front of my eyes as well. With a big ol' sign that said "American/Mexican" over the section. I'm such a dork that I nearly whooped when I spotted it and I scooted over as fast as I could fearing that it was merely a mirage and would disappear within seconds. But it was real. And there was my beloved Hellmann's. I became so giddy I nearly lost control and bought a 5€ box of cake mix that I don't need but I settled for a couple squeeze bottles of Hellmann's and a jar of pickle relish and a jar of peanut butter. Oh! And a couple packages of strawberry Twizzlers. I love strawberry Twizzlers when I'm watching a movie.

And you know what? I spent more on those American luxuries than I did on the bottle of Veuve Clicquot. Perhaps Dr. N would like some Twizzlers next year. They're great for parties.

They Just Waited for Me to Leave Town

I believe that not long before I left Germany for my vacation in America I reported to y'all that the small verging on tiny American foods section in my neighborhood Karstadt (that's a department store for you not-living-in-Germany types) had begun to once again sell Hellmann's mayonnaise. Tiny, overpriced bottles but my love of Hellmann's knows no limit. They'd also about a year or so ago began to sell pickle relish, another thing I must have that I have found no acceptable substitute for in Germany. This had thrilled me no end (I'd been relying on family and friends to send me my fix) and when I was in Mississippi last month I didn't bother to buy any Hellmann's or pickle relish because I was freaking out about my luggage being overweight and I figured that if I submit to their coercion buy my stuff at Karstadt then they'd continue to stock it. "Order more Hellmann's and pickle relish, Hans-Dieter! Some sucker is buying it like crazy!"

Last week I found myself down in the small grocery store that takes up half of the basement floor of Karstadt - the first time I'd been there since I returned to Germany - and found it completely changed. It was always overpriced and I only went there if I needed one thing and it wasn't convenient to get to a normal grocery store. Now it's been turned into some sort of upscale grocery store - mostly the same stuff and the same prices but if you give it a gourmet sounding name I suppose you can justify what you charge for a carton of yogurt. I wandered around trying to find the one thing I went there for - the arrangement of the store having been completely changed - and I realized the American food section is gone. Gone! No trace of it remains. You know I didn't ever buy them but I like having the option of going there to buy s'mores flavored PopTarts or tiny packs of Oreos if I wanted them. And once in a great while I'd lose my mind and buy a box of blueberry muffin mix to the tune of 5€ a box. And! And! It was my one source of microwave popcorn in the kettle corn flavor! But I can get over all this. I don't need the popcorn and I can make blueberry muffins without the aid of a mix but taking away my beloved American foods section ends my ability to buy Hellmann's and pickle relish with no more effort than it takes for me to walk the 200 meters to Karstadt. Now that's just cruel.

Luckily the internet and the ability of people to envision that suckers expatriates like me will go to great lengths to obtain the foods they crave has made it possible for me to order these products and have them delivered to my home. Expensive and not always convenient if they're out of something you're desperately needing but it fills a need. I began to make a shopping list this afternoon - I have one big jar of Hellmann's (thanks Kara!) and one jar of pickle relish I'd bought before I left town but B's wanting me to make potato salad and that means the end of those jars in short order - and I had a near stroke when I couldn't find pickle relish on the website I'd used most recently. I looked all over and they didn't have it - I suppose because they sell mostly British food and I guess pickle relish is more American. They do, however, have a grand selection of barbecue sauce and apple sauce - and so does every freaking grocery store in Germany because those are common items here. Way to fill a need there, guys!

But I remembered another American foods website and there it all was. PopTarts. Muffin mix. Microwave kettle corn. Glorious Hellmann's. And pickle relish. Sweet, sweet pickle relish.

I think I need to set up a Hellmann's and relish subscription with these folks.

Friday Shuffle - X Marks the Dot Edition

Y'all have had a slight reprieve from bulleted lists from me but all good things come to an end.

X - I like to take a walk around the block just as the sun is sinking below the horizon. Just to get a bit of fresh air before closing things up for the day. I like to see folks walking home from their dinners out or venturing out to a pub and sometimes after my walk I'll sit on one of the benches that line the street to enjoy the fresh air and maybe listen to some music coming from a restaurant or bar.

As I sat near the country bar around the corner from my apartment and could hear someone playing guitar and singing live in the upstairs bar area. He was initially singing some ballad and as I sat down and then he switched to singing Hey Ya from Outkast. It cracked me up when the audience was singing along with the "Heeyyy yaaaaaa!" part. I snickered when the guys in the audience sang out "Ice cold!!". I had to get up and leave when they audience was chiming in with the "Shake it, shake it, shake it like a Polaroid picture!" because by then I was hollering out loud laughing. That was the best part of my whole day.

X - Holy socks, I need a pedicure. My feet look like I've been stopping my car with them. Need some lumber sanded? The bottoms of my feet could do it for you.

X - A parcel delivery service truck was parked in the loading zone next to my parking space in front of my apartment. I was unloading groceries from my car when the delivery man came from the building entrance next to mine wheeling a dolly with a lone box still on it. I had ordered more Hellmann's last week and was expecting it to be delivered any day now so I excitedly squealed "Oh is that mine? Is that package for [insert my last name here]?" He replied that it was.

"Oh good! I really need that box. I'm completely out of mayonnaise."

"I'm glad I was still here then. But you do know they sell mayonnaise at the place you've just been, don't you?"

I just sheepishly nodded. I could never make him understand my love of Hellmann's.

X - Can someone come up with an excuse for me to get out of going to a barbecue party at the home of some friends - people I seldom see and am not all that crazy about? I have to go to this shindig every year and always get pressured to try the flavorless potato salad. If they only would use some Hellmann's...

Time for some more organized randomness. Bixente the iPod, shuffle for us, please!

1. American Idiot - Green Day
2. Going To A Go-Go - Smokey Robinson
3. Roll With The Changes - REO Speedwagon
4. Blank Generation - Richard Hell
5. Brick - Ben Folds
   
6. See No Evil - Television
7. Go All The Way - The Raspberries
8. Take Me Home Tonight - Eddie Money
9. Across The Sea - Weezer
10. River Deep, Mountain High - Ike & Tina Turner

A little early New York punk scene mixed in with some mid-western working class rock. And Ike Turner. Now that would make an awesome cage match.

Delirious

I just finished ordering nearly 35 € worth of Hellmann's mayonnaise and Jif peanut butter. Five little jars of mayo and 2 little jars of peanut butter. And I am over the moon excited.

That's sad. So very, very sad.

Then again I'm going to be a lot less sad when I get to eat tomato sandwiches and peanut butter, banana and mayonnaise sandwiches with the proper mayonnaise and peanut butter.