Dixie Peach: Secret Chamber

Cooler than the other side of the pillow.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Secret Chamber

The man who lives at the other end of the hall on my floor, Herr S, has some record breaking body odor.

I can't wait to see who lands here after Googling "record breaking body odor".

I went to the grocery store this morning to grab a few things and when, upon returning home, I went into the elevator I knew instantly that Herr S had recently been in there. It was so funky smelling in there that I was desperate to cover my nose and mouth. Unfortunately my hands were busy holding a large plastic box of groceries so I had to merely take a gulp of air and hold my breath while the elevator crept upwards. This was not a good idea as it only succeeded in me taking in a lungful of rancid smelling air - air so bad smelling that I could taste it.

Cue full body shudder.

B told me as soon as I came in that the postman has just rung about fifteen minutes earlier. I was expecting the package I mentioned yesterday so I went back into the funky elevator to see if a slip had been left in my mailbox...perhaps I'd even been lucky enough that a neighbor accepted the package and I wouldn't have to go to the post office to pick it up.

Good news: A neighbor did accept the package. Bad new: It was stinky Herr S.

Back into the Funky-vator and up to the Chamber of Horrors.

I've seen into Herr S's apartment before - purely by coincidence. A couple times he's been coming out with his bicycle at the same time I was coming in or out of my apartment and I was able to see inside while he had the door open wide. Even still I couldn't see much more than the hallway covered in perhaps the dirtiest carpet I've ever seen. An empty Coke bottle here. A stray sock there. Sheets of newspaper around and about. I know he has pet rabbits and on occasion I've smelled bunny pee in the hallway, presumably because he's recently taken out soiled rabbit bedding.

I can't wait to see who lands here after Googling "bunny pee".

I rang the doorbell and you know that scene in The Shining where Jack Nicholson hacks open the bathroom door with an ax and pokes his face through the hole? That's sort of what Herr S looked like. Just his pudgy face poked through the space between the door and the door frame. I said in my friendliest voice "Do you have a package for me?" and he said in a slightly flustered way "Oh yes! Yes! Just a moment!", shut the door and left me to wait. Now I don't blame him really for shutting the door while he got the package. Our doors have automatic closers on them and they won't stand open for more than a couple seconds on their own. I do, however, think it was slightly weird that I waited a couple minutes for him to return. According to the drop slip the package had been in his posession for less than twenty minutes. Me? I'd still have it close by the door. Last week I accepted on two different days packages for the neighbor that lives between me and Herr S and both times she didn't pick them up from me until the next day. I still had them close enough to the door that I could quickly grab it and give it to her before the automatic closer shut the door. I can understand him not wanting the box to clutter up his home but it ain't like he doesn't already have the clutter thing down pat. Maybe he put it somewhere where it wouldn't be swallowed by all the crap he has laying around. In his case we may be speaking literally of crap.

He returned, opened the door just enough to poke his face and the small box through. I thanked him, said good bye and in the few seconds it took for him to remove his face and shut the door I was able to take in that his rabbit hutch could probably use a scouring.

I was heartened to see that the package was well sealed on the outside and the contents inside was well wrapped. No chance of Herr S funk being able to penetrate. Good thing too as what was inside is very valuable to me.

And was was contained in that box? There was one right guess amongst the rest. There were two small squeeze bottles of Hellmann's mayonnaise. The other item? Kraft Macaroni 'n Cheese. Yeah, the kind with the day-glo orange powder. I haven't eaten it in years and I just had a craving for it.

I had some tonight for my supper while B ate liver. I see they make the macaroni a bit shorter than they used to and a bit thinner. Still yummy though. I made the moan that translates to "This is so good!" when I took that first bite.

It's good to know that Kraft is impervious to neighbor funk.


Blogger Marshamlow said...

Dear Dixie, What a lovely start to my day, thanks for the good read.

12:14 AM  
Blogger sari said...

You're such a good storyteller! I can almost smell Herr Stink from here! (luckily, I cannot. but ALMOST!). :-)

1:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, next time I have a call to send a package to Germany, I can include some kraft mac & cheese. It's so good, I can imagine that you'd miss it there. :)

3:05 AM  
Blogger Kathy said...

Love Kraft mac & cheese. Did you eat it with ketchup? I never mean to but I always gross people out because that's the way I eat it. :)

3:49 AM  
Blogger Miz said...

Yea! I got it half right! Mac and cheese...yum, I haven't had that in a while.

5:18 AM  
Blogger Sam said...

Dixie I can send you squeezy hellmans whenever you like - will ony take a couple of days from the UK - just say the word!!!!! but seriously, they dont have Mayo in Germany??????????

10:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a stockpile of Kraft mac n cheese deluxe. Whenever someone I know comes to London from the states, they know that they should bring 1+ boxes to make me happy.

I only go for the deluxe these days! The noodles are bigger.

Ditto Sam's bit about Hellmans...but I'd be minded to make you come and get it yourself! ;)

12:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Argh! You can do that? You can order two such small items and have them delivered per mail? I've wished for that so long but thought I'd have to order in bulk before they'd consider it. Yesterday, no joke, I spent about twenty minutes considering how many boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese I'd be willing to order to have some in stock. I decided on 50. I love that junk. It's almost as bad as a nicotine craving.

12:34 PM  
Blogger Dixie said...

There's just something about Kraft Mac 'n Cheese that screams "comfort!!". Dang that stuff is yummy. I love it with an icy cold glass of milk.

Sam, we do have mayonnaise here but it's not like Hellmann's. Germans don't put mayo on sandwiches - what they have is for like potato salad and it's thinner and I don't like it on a sandwich. I'm very loyal to my Hellmann's. I'll have to take you and Candace up on you sending me some sometime - I will trade German stuff for Hellmann's!

And Candace, I'm still lobbying for a trip to London!

Lisa - Google "american foods" and you'll find a couple places that will send you American foods and you don't have to order in bulk. I've used Hello-Food and British-American-Food both and never had a problem with them. They're sorta pricey but when you gotta have it, you gotta have it.

9:58 PM  
Blogger melusina said...

Oh man, I wish there was a place like this in Greece. The shipping prices to Greece from British-American-Food are a killer.

I would DIE for some Dr. Pepper or root beer.

10:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oooo, thanks! I remember you mentioning this once before but my memory is as long as a minute. I'm bookmarking this time. Saved by the peach!

4:25 PM  

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