Flip a Coin

I want smooth sailing. I crave the even keel and I get twitchy if routine gets off course in a more than minor way.

That's the end of the sailing based cliches.

My life isn't one that allows a lot of flexibility because my husband depends on me to care for him. It's how our lives are structured and I like it that way. So when something comes up that make me have to make big, if temporary, changes, I balk. I freeze up. I can't decide whether to shit or go blind and I can't make a decision with confidence. I get worried that if I decide wrong I'm going to make things bad for a lot of people.

I called my sister yesterday and she said "Well I have to tell you about Mother.". I'd spoken with my mother last week and I was already aware that she's starting the downhill slide with her Alzheimer's but I can't see how bad things are. I can't see that she's having more hallucinations that are causing her to do things like take her very sharp tweezers and pick at her arms until their littered with dozens of little wounds. I don't see how she's unable to handle any of her own money and she's had to surrender her checkbook and her ATM card to my sister along with her car keys. I'm not on the front lines and so I only get a fraction of how bad things really are.

And then one of the talks that I knew was inevitable but I was hoping to avoid as long as possible came up. My sister said "You have to make your own decision based upon your own responsibilites and your own priorities and how you feel about these things but if it's important to you to be with Mother while she's still able to be who you think she is, you need to think about coming home soon for a visit.

Shit.

I'd thought about planning to come home for a visit next spring. Maybe April, 2007. I just feel better when I can take my time planning things for my absence. And I need to arrange for my MIL to steer the ship (sorry...had to slip one more cliche in) while I'm gone. Even that's becoming more difficult because taking care of my husband is physically demanding and at the age of 72, it's a bit more than she can handle solo. Now I have to consider perhaps moving things up to this fall - say, October. It's a bit more of a rush for me but I don't want to wait too long. Or would spring be too long after all? Do I roll the dice and hope that in the next eight or nine months my mother won't have slipped down so far that she's no longer the woman I remember or does it even matter? What if I did wait and she did get drastically worse in that time? Can it still be considered a wasted trip anyway or is seeing her at all in any condition good enough? I'm not even sure how I feel about it.

I have to consider who's going to keep B going while I'm gone. Do I rely on just my MIL with selected friends pitching in when things get beyond her strength or do I hire a professional? B did some research and found some agencies that offer nurses from Poland or the Czech Republic that will come stay in your home for 24 hour care with a price ranging from 1000 to 2000€ per month (German nurses would run me about 5000€). I likely wouldn't be gone for more than two weeks so it wouldn't be as expensive but still and all, a stranger caring for B? Can I put my worries aside for that? My MIL would be here, of course, to supervise but it would seem so strange. Then again, what are my other options?

I hate this. I hate having to make these decisions and having to rely on others to take up the slack while I'm gone. I don't like things being out of sorts. I want to crawl up on the sofa and curl up in the corner and pretend that I don't have to feel pulled in different directions. I don't want to make the wrong decision. If I don't go, will I regret not seeing my mother one more time? If I go in the spring, am I going to be able to handle it if I've waited too long? And what if the person I hire hurts B? Is that really going to happen or am I just borrowing trouble?

I can't just do nothing. I believe it really would haunt me if I didn't go see my mother one more time. Time isn't on my side in this...in any of this. I'm even approaching the time when I won't be able to travel at all because once my MIL is too old to aid in caring for B at all, that's it. I really don't know if I could leave him alone without her watchful eye on him.

I'm in need of some clarity in all this. Some quiet time for me to digest this all and to make some decisions without letting the worrisome, childish part of me taking over.