Positively volcanic

I hate it when I have a meltdown. Losing my shit and freaking out isn't something I relish. It upsets and exhausts me and I hate becoming out of control.

And yet for an hour late this afternoon I had to indulge myself with a good rant.

First things first. Landlord Lady showed up with another lady from the rental company in tow. She introduced Mystery Lady but didn't say why Mystery Lady was there. A few minutes later the lady from the handicap advocacy bureau - let's just call her Handicap Lady - showed up as well. Handicap Lady is the same one who came at the urging of the Loud Family to the big meeting at the rental company office held a couple weeks ago.

What did I get out of the meeting? Not a lot. They're absolutely not going to chip in with any of my moving expenses and I honestly didn't expect them too. It's not in their interest to do that and unless I sue them, which they know I won't, why should they do me a favor? However I am not going to walk away completely empty handed. I'm normally supposed to restore the apartment to the original stripped down state which would cost me around 300€. They're going to take care of it instead and suck up the cost. At this point I'm more than interested in saving even 300€.

Landlord Lady asked if the Louds have changed their ways since the big meeting and we told them that they certainly have not. It's like that meeting never took place. Landlord Lady got all thin lipped and told Handicap Lady that they needed to start eviction proceedings. It's too late for us but the rental company knows that if they don't get this solved once and for all they'll never be able to keep a renter in this apartment and they can ill afford to leave it unrented. I got the impression that Handicap Lady is completely disgusted with the Louds. She's going to speak with them again to let them know they're soon to be up Shit's Creek without a paddle and that she's given her approval for the rental company to start the eviction. Evidently the rental company can't start an eviction against a handicapped person without this agency's approval and they just got it. There was a bit more chat about how the Louds have taken no steps whatsoever to improve and how they expect everyone else to just bear whatever they dish out.

Oh! And I found out the rental company isn't paying for that new bathtub. They had refused to pay for it so the Louds got money from some charity for handicapped people. Well, looks like the rental company gets a free bathtub.

They all left soon afterwards and Handicap Lady said to B "When you get moved in your new place and get settled I'd like to come visit you there.". Oh yeah. She's definitely switched camps. And Mystery Lady? Still have no idea why she was there. She never said boo to a goose the entire time.

Later in the afternoon the carpenter from the moving company came to see my kitchen and to figure out what to do with it all...and it's not good. I figured I may lose one or two cabinets. I'm going to lose four. Could only be three but will probably be four. I damn near died.

I'm going to be able to keep my hanging cabinets but I simply don't have enough room in there for most of the floor ones. If I cram in more I won't be able to move freely in there. It's just killing me to think that my beautiful cabinets that have the wonderful deep storage drawers are not going to fit. Oh. And I have to have all new countertops since they're having to change the cabinet arrangement. More money spent.

I got home from the new apartment and that's when I went into vaporlock. I am so, so, so, so fucking pissed off. I am so furious that I am wasting over 1500€ of cabinets. I am livid that the kitchen I saved five years to buy is being reduced to a mere shell of its former glory. And why? Because some anti-social shitwit cannot turn his fucking television down and take a crap without screaming like a banshee. These idiots cannot seem to live among other people without making them miserable.

I waited so long to get that kitchen. We saved so long to get something that would be really nice. I was so proud of that kitchen and I've loved having it. Now I'll have a nice kitchen but it won't be as nice.

I feel like a person who has had to live on bread and water for five years while I saved up to go to the best restaurant in town. I finally got to the restaurant, they put the perfect meal before me, I got down three bites and then it was all taken away from me and I was presented a grease stained bag from McDonald's and am being told that I'm going to have to live with that as my meal. I had the perfect kitchen right in my hand and I'm losing it.

Of course I'm overreacting. If I had never bought the new kitchen I'd be buying one now and it wouldn't be much different than what I'll have with moving my current one. It's not that I have crap for a kitchen, it's the fact that the room itself is just a third the size of what I have now and that actually is the normal size of kitchens in apartment - it's my current kitchen that's the freak size.

All this is going to mean is that I will have to arrange things differently. I can do this. I really can. But it's pissing me off that I have to.

I didn't like what this did to me this afternoon. I didn't like being a crying mess. Why am I crying over kitchen cabinets anyway? I guess it's because I am really filled with some truly deep anger and this is not good. I feel such hatred towards these people. I mean the hate that gives off the heat of a thousand white hot burning suns. This is not good. Not good at all.

I'm not the sort of person who hates. I will say I dislike something or someone but rarely say that I hate. Hate is a word I reserve for situations like pedophelia and racism. Hate is a word I reserve for people like Hitler and Stalin. Hell, I don't even say I hate George W. Bush, although I come close at times. But I hate this family. Every last one of them. I hate them with a seething passion.

Well after my meltdown and after letting it all out on B's ears I did feel better. I know I can get used to the kitchen as it will be and it won't be bad. And so many good things are going to be available to me now, not the least of which is having some peace. Losing my peace and peace of mind isn't worth the most wonderful kitchen in the world.

And once I am moved and once I'm settled in and once my ears positively ring with the sounds of a quiet home, I will let go of this anger once and for all. I am going to forgive the Loud Family for what they've put us through. Not because any of it's been okay. Instead I'm going to forgive them so that I can put this anger and hate away once and for all. It's the gift I'm giving myself. I am giving myself the gift of starting each day without them being my first thought and without them holding sway over my life.

And you know me taking a nail and scratching "Booger Eater" on their mailbox door may help as well.