http://www.one.org Dixie Peach: The Edge of the Limit

Cooler than the other side of the pillow.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Edge of the Limit

Some days I want the world to stop. I want my world to change. I want a different life. I get tired of it all.

I get sick of taking care of someone else. I get sick of being responsible for for everything that needs to be done. I want it all to stop. I want to be normal.

I don't need a vacation. I don't need a break. I don't need a hug or a pat on the back. I need for it to end.

I don't need to leave my husband or shun him or think of him as a burden. I need for him to be normal. I need for us to have a normal marriage and life...just a normal day. I need for our lives to stop being controlled by a screwed up twist of fate that happened twenty-five years ago. I don't need it for my sake. I need it for his sake too. He's tired too. I know he wishes every moment to have one day like everyone else. One hour.

And I'm not going to get it. He's not going to get it. Not any of it. We are never going to be normal. We are never going to live spur-of-the-moment. We are never going to take weekend trips together or chase each other around the house or have a meal where one of us isn't shoveling food into the mouth of the other. I am never going to be free of it and neither is he. And we accept it. We understand it. But some days we just don't like it.

So there are days when I need to be frustrated. Days when I reach my saturation point where I can't take in any more. And I need to have the freedom to express that frustration and dissatisfaction. Do it without remorse. There are moments where I could scream and I want to punch the walls and tear my clothes and cut off all my hair as if within the span of a moment it would all grow back and bind together as though I lived in a cartoon world. That's how close to the edge I get.

I won't do it but I want the freedom to do it. I want that much control over the minutes that pass in my life.

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13Comments:

Blogger Hilda said...

Everyone deserves that freedom and to differing degrees and for different reasons we all need it.

Just know I'm here for whatever.

12:19 AM  
Blogger TitanKT said...

(((BIG HUGS))) to you, Dixie. And to B, too.

12:58 AM  
Blogger Linda said...

Love your crosshatch socks! I made a pair, one of my first pairs of socks and still may FAVORITE!

1:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It sucks, it is unfair and though I love that you have the life you do, I wish it included Burkie standing. Walking. Running.

You rarely voice this- but you are entitled to every piece of anger you feel towards his disability.

Still looking for that genie, because Kim, you know you have one of my three wishes.

Mollie

3:26 AM  
Blogger Rositta said...

I can somewhat relate to the way you feel since I felt that way many times over the three years I took care of my Mom. But now that she's gone, I wish she was still here. I too felt anger at times and frustration can completely shut in but with my Mom's age I knew it wouldn't be for long. Your road is longer and I send hugs...ciao

5:51 AM  
Blogger Maria said...

I don't know what to say... except please know that you always have my love, respect, and admiration. I feel for ya, girlfriend. If I ever figure out a loophole in life, you'll be the first to know.

1:32 PM  
Blogger BarefootCajun said...

Say it. Express it. Scream it. I don't know of any two people who deserve 'normal' more that the two of you.

Know that I love you and I am always here to listen.

11:13 PM  
Blogger UmmFarouq said...

The difference is, you express this frustration and perhaps even rage, but you still go on. You persevere. That's love.

8:56 AM  
Anonymous Robin said...

Day late and a dollar short, but I'm still sorry that you had that much frustration. Expressing such things is always accompanied by so much guilt, and I wish that wasn't the case. You do a great job, and I think it's perfectly fair for you to be able to have days where you say, "Fuck it. This sucks and at this moment, I don't like it one bit." without remorse.

5:16 AM  
Blogger Carol said...

I wish I had more to offer, but all I have is a BIG HUG.

Carol

3:23 AM  
Blogger J said...

I wish you had all that too, or that I could give it to you.

10:09 AM  
Blogger Dixie said...

Thank you, everyone, for the care and concern you've expressed. It means more than you know. I couldn't do what I do without the support I get from friends like you.

3:49 PM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

I can't even imagine your frustration and anger that the hand you and B were dealt.

I am so sorry, and you deserve to express that!

5:47 PM  

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