Dread Has Arrived
I knew it was coming. I knew that as the days before my trip grew shorter it would finally sink it that I'll be away from B for two and a half weeks. And it's not just one of those "I'll miss him so!" sort of things. I definitely will miss him but this time I'm more uncomfortable than ever leaving his care to someone else.
No one takes care of B like I do. I do it perfectly. As close to perfect as one can get anyway. I know how he needs to be turned, I know how his bathroom routine goes, I know how he should be shaved and how he likes his teeth to be brushed. I know how to sit him up correctly and how to arrange his pillows to support him when he's laying on his side.
B's mom will be taking care of him while I'm gone, with the assistance of Gerd, and she was the one who took care of him before I ever came along. I should have no worries at all but things are different now than when I first moved here. B's older and it's easier for him to become ill. And if things aren't done in a certain way he can become injured or get a pressure sore.
Last night as I lay down to sleep I could only think of B being lonesome without me. I could only think of his bathroom routines not being handled just right and him feeling miserable. I could only think of him being uncomfortable and sad and every other thing that could possibly go wrong and I began to panic. My heart beat faster and faster and my breathing became gasps and I started to cry. I couldn't bear the idea of being away from B for two and a half weeks. What was I thinking when I bought a plane ticket?
I couldn't stand it any longer so I grabbed my pillow and moved over to B and put my head up on the bed next to his head. I was waking him up but I was so sad that nothing but being as close to him as possible was going to comfort me.
In the light of day I could be calmer about the situation and I could think more clearly. I know he'll be fine. Probably. His mom will take good enough care of him. Not as well as I do it but it'll hold him for a few weeks. I know I can take this trip and not have a disaster occur but it doesn't stop me having nervous second thoughts. It doesn't damp down the anxiety and worry. Over the years I've become so attached to B and taking care of him that it's hard for me to stop.
Do you mothers go through this? I mean how do you send your kids to grandma's or summer camp if you have these thoughts?
I have to stop wigging out about this. Today I'd start to talk to B about how this anxious feeling is kicking in and I'd start to get weepy again. Me crying upsets him no end so he's doing all he can to reassure me and calm my fears.
It just going to have to be a leap of faith that I take.