Dixie Peach: Dread Has Arrived

Cooler than the other side of the pillow.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Dread Has Arrived

I knew it was coming. I knew that as the days before my trip grew shorter it would finally sink it that I'll be away from B for two and a half weeks. And it's not just one of those "I'll miss him so!" sort of things. I definitely will miss him but this time I'm more uncomfortable than ever leaving his care to someone else.

No one takes care of B like I do. I do it perfectly. As close to perfect as one can get anyway. I know how he needs to be turned, I know how his bathroom routine goes, I know how he should be shaved and how he likes his teeth to be brushed. I know how to sit him up correctly and how to arrange his pillows to support him when he's laying on his side.

B's mom will be taking care of him while I'm gone, with the assistance of Gerd, and she was the one who took care of him before I ever came along. I should have no worries at all but things are different now than when I first moved here. B's older and it's easier for him to become ill. And if things aren't done in a certain way he can become injured or get a pressure sore.

Last night as I lay down to sleep I could only think of B being lonesome without me. I could only think of his bathroom routines not being handled just right and him feeling miserable. I could only think of him being uncomfortable and sad and every other thing that could possibly go wrong and I began to panic. My heart beat faster and faster and my breathing became gasps and I started to cry. I couldn't bear the idea of being away from B for two and a half weeks. What was I thinking when I bought a plane ticket?

I couldn't stand it any longer so I grabbed my pillow and moved over to B and put my head up on the bed next to his head. I was waking him up but I was so sad that nothing but being as close to him as possible was going to comfort me.

In the light of day I could be calmer about the situation and I could think more clearly. I know he'll be fine. Probably. His mom will take good enough care of him. Not as well as I do it but it'll hold him for a few weeks. I know I can take this trip and not have a disaster occur but it doesn't stop me having nervous second thoughts. It doesn't damp down the anxiety and worry. Over the years I've become so attached to B and taking care of him that it's hard for me to stop.

Do you mothers go through this? I mean how do you send your kids to grandma's or summer camp if you have these thoughts?

I have to stop wigging out about this. Today I'd start to talk to B about how this anxious feeling is kicking in and I'd start to get weepy again. Me crying upsets him no end so he's doing all he can to reassure me and calm my fears.

It just going to have to be a leap of faith that I take.



Blogger Carol said...

What a wonderful wife -- and person -- you are! I could only wish to be as compassionate and loving... and I'd fail miserably.

I love my husband, but I also definitely welcome getting away from him now and then!

But I think the care-taking issue enters into it big-time and I know that NO ONE could take care of this family like I could (back when so much care-taking was necessary; now they do fine), and that I would have fretted BIG TIME about leaving MY job in the far less capable hands of someone else.

But you know what? He'll be fine. And YOU need this! All caregivers need a break now and then, to rejuvenate yourself, if nothing else.

Go, have a good time, and rest assured that he'll be well taken care of while you're gone... and will be happy to have you back.


11:50 PM  
Blogger kbryan said...

To perhaps ease your mind a little bit, can you have his doctor or his doctor's nurse or some other professional caregiver stop by at least once a week to see how things are going? Your peace of mind (somewhat) might be worth this added expense. Just reading your post makes me anxious. Try not to worry too much - remember, by plane, you are not that far away. . .

2:04 AM  
Blogger Molly said...

B's mother, with Gerd's help, will do a wonderful job. Not as good as you, but certainly good.
You will go and have a lovely time and come back all refreshed and with so much to tell B.
Everything is going to be fine.

2:12 AM  
Anonymous pkb said...

I'll rub lotion on your feet, paint your toenails and we'll talk about B.

Yes, I do know sort of how you feel. It is hard letting go being away from those we take care of. There is nothing quite like that kind of heartache.

I love you, Dix. I think part of the reason you were put on this Earth was to love and take care of Burk. It only stands to reason that your heart would feel this way.

You are a beautiful beautiful person.

Burk is lucky and so am I.

3:39 AM  
Blogger sari said...

what are you talking about, my kids will never go to camp or grandma's or on trips!

just kidding.

I know things will be fine but it does hurt your heart, doesn't it?

I remember when Five was born. I had a c-section and it was flu season and they wouldn't let Nine come to the hospital (he was 3-1/2 at the time). I was supposed to stay in the hospital for four days but I went home after two, I couldn't stand to be away from my boy (and my husband didn't stay with me because I wanted him to be home too). It was tough.

3:58 AM  
Blogger zoe xx said...

I think it is like leaving a child as a mother. You are the person whom B relies upon the most, and you have developed the most wonderful methods of caring for him over the years. Plus, of course, you are his wife, his sweetie, not his Mum so he does feel more comfortable with you, naturally. But, you know, she will do a great job. Not as good as you of course, but still great. And I do think that you need this trip. We ahven't "talked" for a while, but that's the sense I get from your writing. When you return, you'll be able to take up the mantle, and it will all be ok. But I hear you about your worries, and especially at night time. The good news is that when you are in the US, your night will be B's day, so if you have a night time jitter when you're there, you can call him and put your mind at rest. Take care.

11:48 AM  
Blogger Mahala said...

It kinda reminds me of how I felt the first (and second, third, fourth) time I pulled away from the college campus, leaving my daughter there to fend for herself amongst the weirdos.

I'm sure B will be fine and deep down you know that too, but I can understand your worries. Just take a deep breath, it'll all work out :)

4:08 PM  
Blogger UmmFarouq said...

You can do it! You can let go for a bit and pamper yourself, and know that he is well cared for. When you come back, you might have a new lease on life and be and even BETTER care giver than you are now, if that is remotely possible.

I left my kids last year for 11 days, and the year before that for 12 days. The panic came and went, and came and went. It's always "there," but not enough, thankfully, to prevent me from enjoying myself a bit. You deserve it.

9:32 PM  
Blogger Princess Cat's Pajamas said...


No real advice, just a great big hug.

10:56 PM  
Blogger Marsha said...

I do feel that way about my kids. But, once I am away that anxiety eases a bit for me. When I went away last year for a couple of weeks my husband ended up doing a better job at the care-giving than I do, which really ticked me off to no end.

6:40 PM  
Anonymous Robin said...

I always have some anxiety about leaving Clara Jane with someone else, and it's about the same things you mentioned: no one takes care of her the way I do. I worry not so much that she won't be properly cared for, but that she'll miss the way I do things, or will feel abandoned. It doesn't help that she throws those wicked "Don't leave me, Mama!" fits.

It passes, though. On the few occasions when things have gone wrong, it's amazingly easy to drop everything and be with her. In your case, yeah,you'd have a fairly long plane ride to get back, but it's doable. Knowing that eases the fear.

6:50 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

{{{Dixie}}} I'm sorry I didn't see this before now. I've been caught up in things here and not been reading like I usually do. I know you said it's okay now and you feel a little better, but know you guys are going to be in a lot of people's thoughts and prayers over the coming weeks, and everything is going to be just fine. The only thing that'll change is how much more you're going to appreciate each other's company when you get back, but I think you already know that.

No more worries about your boy, love. He's in good hands and so are you.

6:23 PM  

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